Making Kids Decent
This article was originally written in 2006
The article in our local newspaper about the trashing of a house in Haddonfield, New Jersey by partying high school students was disturbing because it once again confirmed my basic belief that being affluent, attending good schools, and getting good grades
have little to do with behaving decently. What was equally disturbing was the report that the woman who reported the event to the police was berated by parents because she got their children into trouble. Wat a tragic message these parents are sending their children. No wonder these kids have so little respect for another person's property. They were probably raised with the message, "be happy," and these protective parents were subliminally saying that if trashing another persons home is what makes you happy, by all means don't get caught doing it because you'll embarrass me."
For three years after retiring from the New Jersey State Department of Education, I offered two workshops to school systems entitled, “Making Kids Decent,” and “American Values Through American Documents.” In the three years, only one school system has invited me to do the workshop on decency. When I was invited into the schools, I was asked to give workshops in classroom behavior, writing skills, multiple intelligences, inter-disciplinary education, thematic units and standards. While these workshops are of great value to enhancing academic growth, nothing in these workshops address how children could become better human beings. They address how children can become smarter and better behaved in the classroom. While there is nothing wrong with being smarter and better behaved, we must recognize that there is no relationship between test scores and grades and being a decent and compassionate person. We all know very bright people who are cruel and who act reprehensibly. Character education and moral behavior needs to become an integral part of the American school curriculum and not just addressed tangentially or as a response to tragedy.
Character education and moral behavior need to become an integral part of the American school curriculum and not just addressed tangentially or as a response to violence in the schools, the trashing of a house, or a student massacre. Character education cannot be left to chance, and any honest educator will tell you that they have encountered certain parents are not suited to develop good character in their children because they have little decency themselves.
The incomprehensible murders in Colorado where kids murdered other kids because of hurt feelings and causeless hatred, is once again a reminder to the American public just how far we have come from an educational focus that makes human decency, civic responsibility and standards for judging behavior as important as grade point averages and SAT scores. The more recent violence in Conyers, Georgia by a young man who was also incapable of empathy or self-control, is the latest in a procession of horror stories coming out of our schools.
I was away from a T.V. and radio on the day of the Columbine High School horror so when a student that evening interrupted my lesson and asked if he could talk about something that had nothing to do with the topic, I was curious and agreed. When he informed me of the carnage, I stopped my lesson, sank into a chair and was silent for a long time. My students didn’t know what to make of it and also sat in silence. I wasn’t sure how to move into the next moment because the moment was so vitally important. The only thing I could think of was a quote by Dostoevsky: “Where there is no God, all is permitted.” I put it on the board and I asked my students what this meant and how this might apply to the horror of that day. So as not to cause horror to the secular-humanist readers who will find great difficulty with this quote, I want to inform them that I teach part-time in the Midrashah, a private religious high school operating out of the Jewish Community Center in South Jersey so I can use the “G” word with impunity.
Two students knew immediately and said “that when people discount God as the authority behind what is right and wrong or good and evil, people then set their own standards for behavior and those standards can change from place to place.” “So what’s the problem with that?” I asked. “Bad people decide that bad behavior is OK and they have nothing higher than themselves to tell them they are wrong,” someone responded. “The murderers in Colorado set their own standards.”
As a person involved in religious education, I am not fettered by secular-liberal constraints that would prefer me looking into the “psychology” of these murderers by asking: “What do you think was going through the minds of these young gentlemen as they walked up to the school?” Personally, I don’t care what was going through the minds of these murderers and I don’t want my students to care either or even to say, “well, I can understand because they felt excluded.” No one should say, “they understand” such evil behavior because by even saying you understand, you just might giving the next slayers some sense of approval and permission to take up their guns. Did the kid in Georgia have the expectation that he would be “understood?”
And beyond understanding, I would not want my students even to consider forgiveness for these brutes. Only the victims have the power to forgive and the victims of Littleton are dead. Not even the parents of the victims have the right to forgive. I remember the horror I felt when another murderer was forgiven by other students while the bodies of his victims were still warm. Doesn’t easy forgiveness without the least sense of remorse on the part of the killer, tell others that murdering isn’t so bad and forgiveness will come quickly? Might such easy forgiveness others permission to kill?
I want my students to judge these murderers and call their evil what it is. I want my students to know that the ethical principle that forbids such behavior is the Sixth Commandment which translates as “Don’t Murder” not “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” I don’t want them to have any confusion between killing and murdering. To murder is to approach another with guile and commit an illegal, premeditated act by taking that person’s life. “Kill” is a euphemism and it softens the act the act of murder. I want my students to know that we are dealing here with a human value and that this value, the one that emanates out of this Sixth Commandment is that, “ Human Life Is Sacred.”
That’s were the Dostovesky quote comes in to play. I want my students to know that if there is no God, by what authority are we to know that “life is sacred?” Is this authority to be the parents who did not see what was going on or the parent who gave his kid a hand gun as a gift? Should world government leaders or the liberals or the conservatives or the socialists or the capitalists or the religious fundamentalists be the authority to tell us that “life is sacred?” When I think of just the 20th Century and how the latter groups have functioned, I concluded that no political, economic or even religious movement actually believes that “life is sacred.” I conclude that we need a higher authority that mankind.
I also want my students to know that any person who believes that forgiveness is automatic and that ritual and faith are more important than how we treat our fellow human beings, has missed the point of his or her religion and the core value of the religion they espouse. The tragedy is compounded because these killers in Littleton did have an association with a religious group and the one in Georgia had attended a religious service that week. But what this kid and the others missed is the connection between the values taught by their religions and how they were to behave as a member of that religious group! That is the crucial element here: religious and social groups must insist that the values at their core, must be brought into daily behaviors. By doing what they did, these kids brought shame to their respective faiths. Religions have to take a hard look at what their adherents are really taking away from their services.
I can talk about the evil in the world in my classroom and I can make judgments on evil behavior because good and evil are the realm of religious education. I can look at a student and say to his or her response that their answer is totally out of line with what their religion teaches and I can back it up with ethical principles from the Bible. Some are absolutely shocked that a teacher will absolutely disagree with them on an “opinion” because some fully believe that morality is an “opinion.” I can also insist that they make judgments on the behaviors of individuals and on the behaviors of governments even though they are really uncomfortable with that. “Who am I to judge someone else?” they say. “I don’t have the right to judge.” “And how does the world become a better place if you let bad behavior slide?” I ask. “What happens when people stand idly by in the face of evil and do nothing?” Judging behavior is the first step to responding to it, and as goodness has to be taught, so does judging behavior. I am trying to unteach moral relativism taught in the secular world and it is not easy. I have students who say they would not stop someone from doing evil because it’s not their place to judge someone else, especially a friend. There’s a lot of gut wrenching discussions on crucial human issues in my room and from time to time, I even change some minds and attitudes. Sometimes the tensions are high, and that’s where learning and changing takes place.
Secular education may not be able to justify the words “good” and “evil” but they can use the words, “right” and “wrong.” Instruction in “right” and “wrong” should be a parallel realm in secular education and the judgments made should be based on the values inherent in the documents Americans revere. These documents set out laws that are applicable to all and that is their genius. These laws are the ethical principals upon which a value system may be developed if these documents were taught not as historical artifacts, but as vehicles for establishing such a personal set of values. We need such universal values and we have them and we are not teaching them.
America and the rest of the world need young people who will grow up to be decent adults with ethical principals applicable to all and not just applicable towards their own group. American schools need to concentrate more on character development and values development and not get caught up in the cry, “whose values.” If we can’t teach God’s value system as revealed in the Ten Commandments, we can at least teach the values of the Founding Fathers of this nation. These are the values we are teaching! That is the answer to “whose values?”
Schools have also focused on developing positive self concepts in the erroneous belief that self-concept makes kids better. In the thirty eight years that I have been in education, it’s the kids who think they are terrific who are the most disrespectful, arrogant and disruptive. Give me a kid who isn’t so full of himself and I give you a kid who will be nicer, more empathetic and more involved in learning. While no teacher may be cruel or injure a student’s sense of self, the truth is is that parents are the only people who should really have to care about their child’s self concept. Every other person in the world cares only about how that child behaves .
Some of the best people in the world have had and/or continue to have, lousy self concepts and some people who thought they were really terrific and/or continue to think that, became and continue to be, the most tyrannical murderers the world has ever seen. Self concept and decency have little to do with one another. It comes down to what a person values and the degree to which he or she exerts self control. Values and self control are the keys to being a decent human being.
During that same painful discussion, I asked my students where each of them will be in five or six years. They all said either in college, or graduate school or working their first job. I asked a few how long they expected to live. Each responded into their eighties at least. These kids expect to grow up, get married and raise families. These kids have been given an expectation for what their lives might be like and these expectations have taken on their own lives and have become visions for the future. Young people who believe that there is nothing out there for them and that life is of little value, might find it easier to take guns to school to commit murder.
Kids need to know that there is a tomorrow for them and they need to acquire a vision for themselves of what is out there for them. They need to know that life is not like a thirty minute sit-com and that planning, work and self-control will enable them to reach that goal. Parents, schools and religious institutions need to start giving children a vision of the future and an expectation for how they are to behave so they can reach that goal. Too may parents have been remiss by not giving their children a dream that something good is out there waiting for them. Too many parents have not talked to their children about the future and what goals have to be set for the long road ahead. Too many parents have been remiss by not setting appropriate standards for behavior and by not modeling correct behaviors. Too many parents are more concerned about their kids being happy and smart than about their kids being good.
Viktor Frankel, in his book, “Man’s Search For Meaning,” tells us that there are only two races in the world: the decent and the indecent. Parents, schools and religious institutions have to start making decency or, if you prefer, goodness, a priority in a child’s education and all must model decent behavior. Making kids decent needs to become a top priority for this nation. If we don’t, how will we prevent future Colubbines, future Littletons, and future Conyers? More police on campus? More metal detectors? More jails? Let us teach children empathy and decency!
The article in our local newspaper about the trashing of a house in Haddonfield, New Jersey by partying high school students was disturbing because it once again confirmed my basic belief that being affluent, attending good schools, and getting good grades
have little to do with behaving decently. What was equally disturbing was the report that the woman who reported the event to the police was berated by parents because she got their children into trouble. Wat a tragic message these parents are sending their children. No wonder these kids have so little respect for another person's property. They were probably raised with the message, "be happy," and these protective parents were subliminally saying that if trashing another persons home is what makes you happy, by all means don't get caught doing it because you'll embarrass me."
For three years after retiring from the New Jersey State Department of Education, I offered two workshops to school systems entitled, “Making Kids Decent,” and “American Values Through American Documents.” In the three years, only one school system has invited me to do the workshop on decency. When I was invited into the schools, I was asked to give workshops in classroom behavior, writing skills, multiple intelligences, inter-disciplinary education, thematic units and standards. While these workshops are of great value to enhancing academic growth, nothing in these workshops address how children could become better human beings. They address how children can become smarter and better behaved in the classroom. While there is nothing wrong with being smarter and better behaved, we must recognize that there is no relationship between test scores and grades and being a decent and compassionate person. We all know very bright people who are cruel and who act reprehensibly. Character education and moral behavior needs to become an integral part of the American school curriculum and not just addressed tangentially or as a response to tragedy.
Character education and moral behavior need to become an integral part of the American school curriculum and not just addressed tangentially or as a response to violence in the schools, the trashing of a house, or a student massacre. Character education cannot be left to chance, and any honest educator will tell you that they have encountered certain parents are not suited to develop good character in their children because they have little decency themselves.
The incomprehensible murders in Colorado where kids murdered other kids because of hurt feelings and causeless hatred, is once again a reminder to the American public just how far we have come from an educational focus that makes human decency, civic responsibility and standards for judging behavior as important as grade point averages and SAT scores. The more recent violence in Conyers, Georgia by a young man who was also incapable of empathy or self-control, is the latest in a procession of horror stories coming out of our schools.
I was away from a T.V. and radio on the day of the Columbine High School horror so when a student that evening interrupted my lesson and asked if he could talk about something that had nothing to do with the topic, I was curious and agreed. When he informed me of the carnage, I stopped my lesson, sank into a chair and was silent for a long time. My students didn’t know what to make of it and also sat in silence. I wasn’t sure how to move into the next moment because the moment was so vitally important. The only thing I could think of was a quote by Dostoevsky: “Where there is no God, all is permitted.” I put it on the board and I asked my students what this meant and how this might apply to the horror of that day. So as not to cause horror to the secular-humanist readers who will find great difficulty with this quote, I want to inform them that I teach part-time in the Midrashah, a private religious high school operating out of the Jewish Community Center in South Jersey so I can use the “G” word with impunity.
Two students knew immediately and said “that when people discount God as the authority behind what is right and wrong or good and evil, people then set their own standards for behavior and those standards can change from place to place.” “So what’s the problem with that?” I asked. “Bad people decide that bad behavior is OK and they have nothing higher than themselves to tell them they are wrong,” someone responded. “The murderers in Colorado set their own standards.”
As a person involved in religious education, I am not fettered by secular-liberal constraints that would prefer me looking into the “psychology” of these murderers by asking: “What do you think was going through the minds of these young gentlemen as they walked up to the school?” Personally, I don’t care what was going through the minds of these murderers and I don’t want my students to care either or even to say, “well, I can understand because they felt excluded.” No one should say, “they understand” such evil behavior because by even saying you understand, you just might giving the next slayers some sense of approval and permission to take up their guns. Did the kid in Georgia have the expectation that he would be “understood?”
And beyond understanding, I would not want my students even to consider forgiveness for these brutes. Only the victims have the power to forgive and the victims of Littleton are dead. Not even the parents of the victims have the right to forgive. I remember the horror I felt when another murderer was forgiven by other students while the bodies of his victims were still warm. Doesn’t easy forgiveness without the least sense of remorse on the part of the killer, tell others that murdering isn’t so bad and forgiveness will come quickly? Might such easy forgiveness others permission to kill?
I want my students to judge these murderers and call their evil what it is. I want my students to know that the ethical principle that forbids such behavior is the Sixth Commandment which translates as “Don’t Murder” not “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” I don’t want them to have any confusion between killing and murdering. To murder is to approach another with guile and commit an illegal, premeditated act by taking that person’s life. “Kill” is a euphemism and it softens the act the act of murder. I want my students to know that we are dealing here with a human value and that this value, the one that emanates out of this Sixth Commandment is that, “ Human Life Is Sacred.”
That’s were the Dostovesky quote comes in to play. I want my students to know that if there is no God, by what authority are we to know that “life is sacred?” Is this authority to be the parents who did not see what was going on or the parent who gave his kid a hand gun as a gift? Should world government leaders or the liberals or the conservatives or the socialists or the capitalists or the religious fundamentalists be the authority to tell us that “life is sacred?” When I think of just the 20th Century and how the latter groups have functioned, I concluded that no political, economic or even religious movement actually believes that “life is sacred.” I conclude that we need a higher authority that mankind.
I also want my students to know that any person who believes that forgiveness is automatic and that ritual and faith are more important than how we treat our fellow human beings, has missed the point of his or her religion and the core value of the religion they espouse. The tragedy is compounded because these killers in Littleton did have an association with a religious group and the one in Georgia had attended a religious service that week. But what this kid and the others missed is the connection between the values taught by their religions and how they were to behave as a member of that religious group! That is the crucial element here: religious and social groups must insist that the values at their core, must be brought into daily behaviors. By doing what they did, these kids brought shame to their respective faiths. Religions have to take a hard look at what their adherents are really taking away from their services.
I can talk about the evil in the world in my classroom and I can make judgments on evil behavior because good and evil are the realm of religious education. I can look at a student and say to his or her response that their answer is totally out of line with what their religion teaches and I can back it up with ethical principles from the Bible. Some are absolutely shocked that a teacher will absolutely disagree with them on an “opinion” because some fully believe that morality is an “opinion.” I can also insist that they make judgments on the behaviors of individuals and on the behaviors of governments even though they are really uncomfortable with that. “Who am I to judge someone else?” they say. “I don’t have the right to judge.” “And how does the world become a better place if you let bad behavior slide?” I ask. “What happens when people stand idly by in the face of evil and do nothing?” Judging behavior is the first step to responding to it, and as goodness has to be taught, so does judging behavior. I am trying to unteach moral relativism taught in the secular world and it is not easy. I have students who say they would not stop someone from doing evil because it’s not their place to judge someone else, especially a friend. There’s a lot of gut wrenching discussions on crucial human issues in my room and from time to time, I even change some minds and attitudes. Sometimes the tensions are high, and that’s where learning and changing takes place.
Secular education may not be able to justify the words “good” and “evil” but they can use the words, “right” and “wrong.” Instruction in “right” and “wrong” should be a parallel realm in secular education and the judgments made should be based on the values inherent in the documents Americans revere. These documents set out laws that are applicable to all and that is their genius. These laws are the ethical principals upon which a value system may be developed if these documents were taught not as historical artifacts, but as vehicles for establishing such a personal set of values. We need such universal values and we have them and we are not teaching them.
America and the rest of the world need young people who will grow up to be decent adults with ethical principals applicable to all and not just applicable towards their own group. American schools need to concentrate more on character development and values development and not get caught up in the cry, “whose values.” If we can’t teach God’s value system as revealed in the Ten Commandments, we can at least teach the values of the Founding Fathers of this nation. These are the values we are teaching! That is the answer to “whose values?”
Schools have also focused on developing positive self concepts in the erroneous belief that self-concept makes kids better. In the thirty eight years that I have been in education, it’s the kids who think they are terrific who are the most disrespectful, arrogant and disruptive. Give me a kid who isn’t so full of himself and I give you a kid who will be nicer, more empathetic and more involved in learning. While no teacher may be cruel or injure a student’s sense of self, the truth is is that parents are the only people who should really have to care about their child’s self concept. Every other person in the world cares only about how that child behaves .
Some of the best people in the world have had and/or continue to have, lousy self concepts and some people who thought they were really terrific and/or continue to think that, became and continue to be, the most tyrannical murderers the world has ever seen. Self concept and decency have little to do with one another. It comes down to what a person values and the degree to which he or she exerts self control. Values and self control are the keys to being a decent human being.
During that same painful discussion, I asked my students where each of them will be in five or six years. They all said either in college, or graduate school or working their first job. I asked a few how long they expected to live. Each responded into their eighties at least. These kids expect to grow up, get married and raise families. These kids have been given an expectation for what their lives might be like and these expectations have taken on their own lives and have become visions for the future. Young people who believe that there is nothing out there for them and that life is of little value, might find it easier to take guns to school to commit murder.
Kids need to know that there is a tomorrow for them and they need to acquire a vision for themselves of what is out there for them. They need to know that life is not like a thirty minute sit-com and that planning, work and self-control will enable them to reach that goal. Parents, schools and religious institutions need to start giving children a vision of the future and an expectation for how they are to behave so they can reach that goal. Too may parents have been remiss by not giving their children a dream that something good is out there waiting for them. Too many parents have not talked to their children about the future and what goals have to be set for the long road ahead. Too many parents have been remiss by not setting appropriate standards for behavior and by not modeling correct behaviors. Too many parents are more concerned about their kids being happy and smart than about their kids being good.
Viktor Frankel, in his book, “Man’s Search For Meaning,” tells us that there are only two races in the world: the decent and the indecent. Parents, schools and religious institutions have to start making decency or, if you prefer, goodness, a priority in a child’s education and all must model decent behavior. Making kids decent needs to become a top priority for this nation. If we don’t, how will we prevent future Colubbines, future Littletons, and future Conyers? More police on campus? More metal detectors? More jails? Let us teach children empathy and decency!