Grandpa Zeydeh's Wisdom (Unsolicited)
Grandpa Zeydeh’s Wisdom: The Random Thoughts of Leonard H. Berman
An open letter to my grandchildren, to my nieces, nephews, cousins, and to my former students even though you are not mentioned by name. While the letter is directed only to my grandchildren, you are certainly welcome to read it. Everything that follows the letter is for all of you.
Dear Adam, Jacob, Brandon, Rachel, Jamie, Hannah, Emily, Ryan, and Jacqueline,
It was a foolish fantasy that we would all live close by and I would see all of you weekly. I imagined you dropping in for cookies and milk on your way home from school, or sometimes just coming over to hang out and help me in the garden. Sometimes I imagined you coming over for help with homework or a project, and sometimes just coming over to get an old man's perspective on something that was important to you. I fancy myself knowing a few things, and I am always very willing to share what I've learned with those whom I love. And since I probability won't be asked, I've decided to share my thoughts with you anyway because I think my advice is of value.
You've probably all seen Toy Story 3, and if you haven't, I urge you to do so. It's really an entertaining film that says a good deal about what I and some other people of my generation are thinking and feeling when it comes to getting old. Here are toys that are still perfectly good, stilled loved, but have been "out grown" by their owner. They're still good toys, but what do you do with good things that are old and out of date? Some elderly people feel very much the same way those toys felt when it comes to our children and grandchildren. Some parents feel that too when their children start to become independent. But for as long as we live, parents and grandparents do not see ourselves as obsolete, nor do we think that what we have to offer is no longer of value. Some people may argue that the experience of an old man or old woman has no bearing on this modern generation, but such people don't understand what those of us in my generation have to offer. Grandparents are the repository for family history, personal experiences during a particular period of time, culture, religious traditions, and ideas that we think are still of value. We also carry with us values that may or may not be valued in a technical society, but the values taught at home and synagogue, may ultimately be more important to being a happy person than what the greater society values. So firmly believing that we continue to be of value, we are eager to share our lives with you even if you don't have the time to sit and listen because of your busy lives and the distance between us.
So now, this Grandpa Zeydeh and teacher is offering unsolicited opinions and advice because of his abiding affection for you, and his need to somehow feel that you will be safer considering my words. You can read this at your leisure as you grow older. Again, these are some of the things I would have wanted to teach you or say to you over the years you’ve been growing up and in the years that are to follow that I will never have the opportunity to say, I will say to you here. As you mature, you will hopefully find these comments useful.
Knowledge and wisdom should be cumulative and passed on. In this way you wouldn’t have to waste time in relearning things on your own that you might have learned from me. Of course, I have lived long enough to know that children don't often listen to parents and grandparents, and I have no illusions that you will listen to what I have to say. Hopefully, something might stick. Some of these ideas you may not need for years, but I might not be here to offer them when you need them. This will be an ongoing effort for as long as I am ongoing. So here goes.
All My Love,
Grandpa Zeydeh
On Behavior: You're all smart, and I do believe you are all happy thanks to your parents. But if I had to rank smart and happy I would make those second and third under the idea of being “good.” Being a good person, a decent person is very important. Rabbi Hillel was once asked to stand on one foot and summarize the Torah. He did this and said, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to another.” Memorize this statement. It will keep you good. Also, know that the only people who care about how you feel about yourself are your parents, your grandparents, and if you're lucky, some of your teachers. Everyone else in the world cares only about how you behave and if you're "good." And in the business world, bosses don't care about your "self concept," but they do care about how you behave and what you produce to improve the bottom line.
• On Becoming A Good Person: Just because someone is smart or rich, it doesn’t mean he or she is good or nice for that matter. Being good means that you treat people fairly, respectfully, honestly, and justly. How one person treats another person has nothing to do with money or high academic degrees. You are all expected to go to college, but having a diploma will not make you a decent person. And if you become financially successful and I hope you will, your money will not make you nice either. Some terrible things throughout history have been done by smart people with diplomas and money.
In our family, decency comes from acting on a series of values that have come down to us via the Torah. Somewhere along the line, the decent values and ensuing behaviors requested of us in the Torah became separated from the law and now we know only the behaviors. One of the major goals of our people is to make the world a better place, but making the world a better place has nothing to do with you being happy. It has to do with you being good and acting righteously. Some of the greatest people who ever made life better for others were poor and without degrees. And some were rich with degrees. Credentials and wealth have nothing to do with goodness or happiness.
• On Being Interesting: Being interesting is not like being smart. You can be very smart and bore people to tears. To be interesting, you need to have something important to say that can move a conversation forward. Therefore, avoid asking yes or no questions, and when you speak to people, make eye contact. In this way you will be saying to them that you really think they are important and they will not suspect you of hiding something or being timid. Make people feel important through your attention to them and the questions you ask them. Do not make the conversations about you unless you are in therapy and paying someone to listen to you. One may be viewed as interesting by having something to say beyond a one sentence response to a question, and by raising issues or topics of interest. One may be viewed as interesting by seeing beyond what is obvious and making connections that others might not see. One may be viewed as interesting by offering new perceptions. Use your education to make connections among seemingly disparate things and events and share these to generate conversations.
• On First Impressions: When you meet someone for the first time, shake their hand with some degree of earnestness. The handshake in our society is part of the first impression we make, and a weak handshake from a man may be interpreted as indicative of his interest in seeing you, his masculinity, and his personality. Never let your handshake be like a warm, wet dishtowel, and don't let it be so strong that you hurt someone. Exert a sincere pressure. And greet all people with a smile even if you don't like them. Also, dress appropriately. I don't care if you prefer a tee shirt and jeans because they are comfortable, but when you go out for a real job interview, wear something that will give the impression that you are respectful of the company to which you are applying and to the person to whom you are speaking. Guys, in your closet always have a dark suit, a white shirt with French cuffs, and a conservative tie. Also have a blue blazer and gray slacks for less formal occasions. And always remember that things in good taste never go out of style. Girls, the same thing about what is appropriate in dress goes for you, too. And while I implore all of you not to get a tattoo or piercings, if you do, don't make these conspicuous at the interview. Also, piercings may not make a good impression, especially if they are on your face and if the interviewer is over fifty. Sadly, you must come to learn that you cannot be who you are at all times, and while your parents and grandparents may accept you for who you are, the world may not. You will have to learn to deal with certain realities in this world and learn to play the games that are played if you are in competition with others like you. Of course, you can go for the interview in jeans, a tee, and piercings, because that's who you are and you feel the world has to accept you on your terms. But from this old man's perspective, don't be surprised if someone else gets the job. People don't have to accept you just the way you are unless you have something or some talent they really want. They just might insist on their standards, not yours. Deal with it.
• On Keeping Schedules: Time management is a very important skill to develop in order to be successful in school and in life. Falling behind in your schedule can make you fall behind in your obligations and responsibilities. Procrastination may seem more desirable than meaningful activity, but it will always bite you in the butt when something is due and you haven’t done it. Keep on schedule and on focus. Managing your time well will help you be a success.
• On Worry: Worrying is a gigantic waste of time. Never in all of recorded history has the future ever been change by worrying about it. So to avoid this time waster, know what needs to be done, and spend your time preparing for it. Put in time studying for that test, rehearsing that speech, or practicing for that interview. Worrying is not a comfort, but knowing that you’ve done all you can to be successful, is. And before any of these potentially “worrisome” events, get a good night’s sleep and eat a good breakfast.
• On Feeling Guilty: From time to time you will do and say dumb things that you will immediately regret doing and saying. This cannot be avoided because you are not perfect and sometimes emotions cannot be controlled. So apologizing to someone you have wronged or insulted is the first thing you must do. But sometimes, the emotion we refer to as "guilt" will take over and we continue to feel badly because of what we’ve said or done even if we’ve said that we are sorry. Guilt, like worry is a waste of time and takes away from the here and now. It’s a lousy feeling, and the only way to avoid it after the initial apology, is to resolve never to do or say that again to this person or to anyone else. Once you know that this will never happen again, you can let the bad guilt feeling go. And the best way to forgive yourself is when you are aware that the opportunity to do or say the same dumb or hurtful thing has presented itself again, and you did not act on the inclination to hurt.
On Being Grateful: When you consider all the young people there are in the world, how they live, and the opportunities they have, you must realize that you are among a very small minority of people who are fortunate enough to live in America, live in a beautiful home, have parents who love and support you, grandparents who adore you, and unbounded opportunities to make your lives golden. Therefore, it is important that you understand the benefits of being grateful. Being grateful is being appreciative for what you have and not taking anything for granted believing that you are entitled to it. The Jewish religion inculcates gratitude by beginning each blessing by giving thanks for what you are about to eat, see, or do. In Judaism, we are asked to be grateful for what we have. Ungrateful people are not happy people. You are lucky to have what you have, but all that you have was given to you, and you must be grateful to those who provide the good life you have. Periodically, even though they annoy you from time to time, let your parents know that you appreciate what they have done for you. Cards, phone calls, the occasional kiss, an unsolicited hug, and a periodic out of the blue “I love you” are easy ways of showing your gratitude.” That also goes for grandparents. Also, don't forget to give some thanks to that creative Power in the universe who holds it all together even if you have no concept as to the nature of that Power.
• On Friends Asking You To Do Stupid Things: At one point in your lives, your friends and their opinions of you will become very important. But sometimes friends are stupid and do stupid, dangerous, and cruel things. You may feel you want to go along just to feel you belong, but when ever you are being asked by your friends to do something stupid, dangerous, or cruel, think of the law in the Torah that says, “You shall not follow a crowd to do evil.” If that’s not enough for you, think of grandma, your parents, and me whispering in your ear, “Don’t you dare.” If that doesn’t stop you, recognize that whatever trouble you cause or pain you inflict will be on you, and the consequences that follow from your behavior may be more difficult to bear than the rejection, ridicule, or fun your friends will make of you if you choose not to participate in their antics. Remember that all Adam and Eve did was take a bite of the apple, but the consequences were enormous. One can never be certain of the consequences, so always consider them before acting. Also, remember that the friends you have in middle, and high school will probably not be the friends you will have in college. And the friends you will have in college may or may not be the ones you will keep as you mature into adulthood. Choose your friends wisely at every moment in your life, and make sure that the top criteria for making a friend is that he or she is a nice human being and does not invite you to do things that will get you in trouble, get you in jail, or get you dead.
• On Why We Exist: We as the Jewish people know exactly why we are on earth. Modeling correct behavior because the Torah and Talmud say we must is the first reason. The second reason we are on this earth is to make it a better place. The concept is Kabalistic and is called Tikun Olam. So how do you make the world a better place? The Torah teaches that “the poor shall never depart from the land,” so one way is to be generous with your money and contribute to those organizations that make the lives of the poor better. Another way is to get involved with organizations that advocate for improving such things as the environment, education, social justice, minority rights, and freedom. And while your at it, you also have obligations to Jewish organizations that defend and help our people and support the State of Israel.
• On Dangerous People: From time to time you are going to encounter people who are emotional black holes that cannot be filled. You’ll know them because when they walk into a room, they suck out all the air and demand that they become the center of attention and everyone should focus on making their life better. Do not imagine or even try to make this person’s life better because you cannot, and if you think you can, they will drain you and make you miserable. You have a right not to be made miserable. So if you are going to become a rescuer of people with broken wings and broken lives, and you don't have a clue as to what you are doing, you will end up becoming a victim. You can try to save a drowning person, but if you don't know how to swim, you will drown with them. It is not incumbent upon you to fix another person’s life unless you are a paid therapist, and even they know that the broken person can only fix themselves. You do, though, have an obligation to help fix the people you love if their lives become broken even if it is just listening or driving them to a therapist.
• On Getting A Vision: You’ve got to get yourself a vision of what you want your life to be like. That will give you your goal and enable you to “keep your eyes on the prize.” Certainly, if you like the life style in which you have been raised and that becomes the minimum you want for yourselves, you will need a plan to get you where you ultimately want to be. Unless you are seriously talented so as people will pay to see you perform, or you invent the next big “thing” that everyone must have, you will have to go to college and probably beyond. This should be no surprise because it is expected that you will go to college and beyond. Your parents did, and children should equal or exceed their parents if humanity is to keep developing. And if your vision involves a spouse, you are going to have to consider what your mate will bring to the union as he or she will be considering what will you be bringing to the union. That sounds terribly unromantic I know. Romance, love, and passion are important in a relationship, but if children are to be born out of the romance, love and the passion, they have to be well cared for and educated. Care takes responsibility, compassion, and money.
On Finding A Mate: In the animal world, males display and battle for the females and females will mate with the male who demonstrates the brightest feathers or the male who dominates the other males through prowess or cunning. The females instinctively conclude that the offspring with such a mate will be strong survivors and life will continue. In many ways, people are the same. Human beings display through personality, earning potential, wit, talent, education, cars, money, clothing, physical beauty, and physical fitness to hint at their potential status now or in the future. But there are also qualities such as integrity, faithfulness, honesty etc. that are also very important qualities to offer, and these intangibles might be the deciding factor. A suitable mate, one that will be an asset to fulfilling your vision of what you want life to be like and keeping the offspring safe, well housed, well fed, and well nurtured, must be factored in if these goals are to be achieved. I know it sounds utilitarian and unemotional, but at our core, we are still part of the animal kingdom. Know what you offer, and be proud of whatever it happens to be. And if you are not proud, strive to make it better.
Beyond the physical attraction that you might feel for someone, and I’m not selling physical attraction short, is the core person inside. The physical might fade with time, while the core qualities that you admire or even revere in this person at the beginning of the relationship may remain and be the firm foundation upon which that relationship and love may blossom. Trouble enters all relationships, but if there is a core that you love and respect, you will always have a starting point to which you can return in times of serious trouble (if things don't get messed up too badly). In this way you can go back to your beginnings and rediscover what caused you to love one another in the first place. For me, some core qualities are: a sincere affection for the person I wed, a respect for what this person does, a respect for who that person is at her core, and the knowledge that this person will be honest with me and have my interests at heart. These are think the technology offered anonymity? Didn’t he know that once it’s out there, it can’t be erased and that everything can be traced back? Did he want to be exposed because of some deep seated issue he has with himself that demanded he be excoriated publicly so as to be exonerated for some secret failing? Or was it just a stupid, thoughtless, egotistical macho idea of self promotion where he actually believed that what he had should be shared? And of course, he initially lied, believing that his personae was so well established that no one would doubt him. It was more the lying that did him in than the stupidity. If you lie, than everything you've said in the past is called into question because you are now thought of as a liar. Well he was wrong. Know this. Somebody is always out there to get you and bring you down, especially if you are in the public eye or on your way up the ladder. I’m not being paranoid. You may not even know them, but they are the self appointed arbiters of good taste, people who don’t like you for a variety of reasons, or just people who like to gossip.
Modesty is a value that seems now to be held mostly by very pious people in our society of all faiths, and the elderly hold overs from an earlier generation where you didn’t have to be religious to believe that your body was a private matter. It is based on the idea that there is such a thing as privacy of body and behavior. If people the people who have been held up for ridicule for their sexual escapades had any inkling of the concept of modesty, a bell would have gone off in their heads telling them that what they were about to do was not appropriate behavior. Standards are set higher for public figures than for others.
So remember, if you’re going to show your “junk” to someone, make sure that that person is interested in seeing it, has given you permission to show it, and for the love of God, do it in private, and do not put it on the internet or tweet it as a point of pride.
In Dealing with Old People: If you live a long life and I hope you do, you are going to become old. I'm sure you know old people now. O The first of many things I want you to know is that old people tend to forget what stories they've told you, and will often repeat the same story at different times and in a different conversation. Listen and nod as if you've heard it for the first time. There is no profit in reminding the elderly that they are losing their memories. The second thing is that sometimes, when an older person stands up, he or she fart. This is an involuntary action and a source of embarrassment. They may pretend it didn't happen, but they know. Pointing it out or laughing hysterically as you might want to do will be a further embarrassment. In all probability, this old person is someone you love, so where is the profit of further embarrassing them? And to really sober you up to the situation, remember that one day you will be old and you will be forgetful about the stories you've told, and you will fart when getting off a chair.
On Keeping a Relationship Going: If we are to be really honest with ourselves, a woman should know that a guy basically wants to be fed, slept with, left alone, not ridiculed, and given control of the remote. That will make him happy. And a guy needs to know that a woman wants to feel protected, listened to, understood, talked to, held, cuddled with, given unsolicited gifts, helped with the drudgery of child rearing, appreciated for what she does, and someone hired to clean the house or apartment. As you can see, guys have fewer needs. We are very different, and to be honest, it's up to the guys do most of the reaching out to keep the relationship going because guys have a longer road to travel in their development of awareness of other people's needs. Oblivion may be genetic. So guys need to consciously become aware of the last time a compliment was given, the last time a conversation was initiated that was intimate, last time you were so thoughtful you brought tears or laughter to her eyes, and other such things. If not, you will be eventually told "we have to talk" and know that in that conversation, all your failings will be noted. Now you know that accusations of inadequacy do not generate a man's favorite feelings, so you have to be on top of this all the time. Also, never buy a gift for her that you really want for yourself, and never buy her a gift with a plug attached unless she asks for it specifically. You also don't want to buy her something that will disappoint her so the best thing to do is to ask because your taste might suck and she'll only have to return it. Better to be cautious than disappointed even if you cut down on the surprise. It is always the thought that you wanted to please her that comes through. If she's disappointed that you couldn't guess what was magically going on in her head as to what she wanted, she has other problems working there and such unreasonable expectations need to be discussed as one of her criteria for love. That's when you initiate the "We have to talk" conversation. Yes, guys have the right to say that, too. None of us are perfect.
• On Fighting The Darkness: From time to time, as your life moves along, you will encounter darkness. No one escapes from the pain that we sometimes cause ourselves or is caused to us by others. There is also the pain that comes upon us through sickness and the death of a loved one. But know several things:
1.- You must never submit to the sadness or depression that comes with the pain; get professional help if it gets to be overwhelming and share your thoughts and feelings with a friend or relative. Sharing lifts the burden. Let them share their pain and story with you. Everyone has pain and a story to tell. They listen and you listen. Both of you will feel better for it.
2.- When things go wrong and you think you can’t handle it, you must never find solace in drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, or abuse to others or yourself. You get yourself professional help and talk to friends and family. You must never imagine that you are alone. You are never alone. Reach out. If I am still around, I will grab you.
3.- You must never attempt to take your life. Since Ayn Sof and evolution began to create human beings, there has never been one just like you and there never will be. You are totally unique and you do not have permission to end that uniqueness because you imagine that things are so bad, they cannot be better. Take it from me, things do get better despite any seemingly overwhelming problem you currently think you have. And sometimes,"the grass really is greener in the other fellows yard." It's OK to change yards for greener grass rather than to be buried under it. Besides, a week after you commit suicide, you'll be sorry you did.
4.- And never, never think your world has ended because you’ve been dumped. The heart is a very resilient organ and it heals with time. Cry for as long as you need to cry, wash your face, give your heart a chance to heal, and get out and begin again. It's a process we all go through to find the right one. Always give yourself another chance, and never give up on yourself. There are lots of wonderful people in the world and you can fall in love with any number of them and make it work. There are old adage about relationships from when I was growing up: "Relationships are like buses. If you miss one, there will be another along in a few minutes," and "If you give the milk away for free, why would the farmer buy the cow?" I think in all of recorded history, there is only one person they believed died of a broken heart, and that was Lord Wellington's mistress in the 18th Century. Also, never think that someone is unapproachable because of how they look. Beautiful people are not immune from being insecure about themselves. They may be just waiting for someone like you to approach. Besides, the worse that can happen is to say that they are not interested. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
5.- You are never alone. You have your parents, your grand parents, your friends, and Ayn Sof to support you. The best prayer to Ayn Sof in bad situations is: “Strengthen me get through this!” That prayer has always been answered for me. For as long as we are around, parents and grandparents will be here to support and love you. We may not always agree with you, and we are here for you. Don’t forget that. We are always a phone call away. And while I'm at it, again I will say that you never have permission to do yourself harm, to get yourself arrested, or to get you dead.
6.- There is always light at the end of whatever tunnel in which you might find yourself. Never lose hope.
On Judging Ourselves: We live in a very materialistic world and many times a person’s value is measured in what they have as opposed to who they are. So while I urge you to go for the life that will give you gratification in your work, travel, nice clothes, and all the good “stuff” and “toys” you can afford, I also urge you not to see your value or worth as a person through the things you own. Good jobs can be lost in a bad economy, and hard times can come upon the nicest of people. If you get put into what I call “the hopper” and there is stress, the stress needs to be kept separate from you as a person. If you become the stress, you will overwhelm yourself and not think clearly and get depressed. You are not your job, you are not your home, you are not your “stuff” or your “toys.” While these might be extensions of you that tell the world your status, they are not you. In this way, if it all falls apart, and we are not guaranteed that it won't, you'll be sad, and you won’t fall apart.
On Buying On Credit: If you have the money that will allow you to pay off your credit card balance at the end of the month when the bill comes due, by all means use the card as a convenience. But if you are going to carry a balance that you can't pay off, be aware that your carrying charges will add up over the years and you can get into serious trouble with your credit rating if you default on your payments. Houses and cars are different. But if you budget effectively and you have patience, you will be able to save for what you want, buy it for cash, and sleep soundly at night.
On Self Concept: There are people who are currently in your life and those who will enter your life to whom you may ascribe the power to tell you who you are and what you deserve. This ascribing of power is a magical thing and it is done out side your conscious awareness. We do this to win the love and affection from those significant people in our lives. One major human hunger is the hunger for approval and recognition. The people who gave us birth and who sustained us are the first people to whom we ascribe power. Perhaps our infantile brains think that if we can please them, they’ll keep us alive. Such people tell us who we are and treat us in a particular way. Based on those verbal and non verbal messages, we behave accordingly so they will approve. Sometimes the messages are loving and sometimes the messages are abusive. Our early self-concepts come from these messages. As we grow older, other people become important such as friends, teachers, boy friends, girl friends, husbands, wives, community and religious leaders etc. Sometimes, we let such people into our lives because they reinforce the messages that came to us early from our early caretakers. If we had good messages about who we are and what we should expect, we let in good people who will be good to you. But if the messages you absorbed about yourself told you that you were bad and deserved abuse, you might allow bad and abusive people in to reinforce the negative things you think about yourself. In short, if and when you meet people who are mean and abusive to you, seriously consider how you are being made to feel about yourself. If these people engender negative feelings in you, don’t let them into your lives. Walk away fast. If they happen to be people who have to be in your lives such as teachers, consciously deprive them of any power to tell you who you are as a person, and if they say mean things to you, discount what they say. Of course, a teachers criticism may not be an attack on your person, but on what you might have submitted so keep your person separated from the criticism. And that also goes for friends. There are some people in this world who feel they need to put someone down in order to build themselves up. There are also people in this world who are happy when you mess up. There is a German word that describes such people, but I forget what it is. (Frudenchase?) Also, avoid these people. And when choosing a spouse, please consider what I’ve just said. You do not need spouses who will regularly hurt your feelings, unless your acting like a jerk and deserve it.
• On Avoiding Bad Relationships: Each person brings to any relationship his or her behavior and personality. There are fundamental rules for avoiding troubled relationships, the major ones being that at the first hint of physical or emotional abuse, you end the relationship. You were not put on this earth to be abused by anyone. Abuse aside, another fundamental rule is that you are not made to feel like an “it,” a person who is expected to supply goods and services. You were not put on this earth for someone to take advantage of you. Also, a person who is exceptionally needy, depressed, angry, etc., is also someone with whom you should not get involved because they will drain you of energy and spirit. If you do recognize such behaviors in a special person, I urge you to walk away and not to go back. Such people, despite their protestations that they will change, may not be able to change. Now if you exhibit any of the above symptoms and meet someone with similar proclivities, recognize that this relationship cannot work, and since the only thing in life we fully control are our responses to the world, I urge you to respond by getting help so you can better deal with your own problems that lead to such behaviors. You don’t have to take on someone else’s problems. Believe me, as you go through life you will have enough of your own.
• On What It Takes To Begin A Good Relationship : Having a good relationship begins with what you bring to it. If you are basically a happy person with a positive outlook greeting all people with a smile, you stand a good chance of having a good relationship with people. If you basically have a positive self-concept and present yourself confidently, a strong sense of what is to be valued, and an open mind, you stand a good chance of meeting like minded people. Chemistry is involved in romantic relationships, and I don’t presume to know much about that, but I do know that anyone can fall in love with any number of people. I don’t believe that there is that one perfect soul mate out there waiting for you to find them. Certainly, you can look. So if you are looking for a romantic involvement, make eye contact, make yourself attractive, be personable, make easy conversation, avoid drama, don't share your entire life story on the first date, don’t smoke, don’t drink to excess, and don't make it all about you. Maybe you'll get lucky.
• Serious Business Regarding Sexual Relationships: Reproduction is the only one of the five life functions that is not needed for one to continue living. After commanding Adam and Eve not to eat the apple and they immediately broke that commandment, He told them “to go forth and multiply” and mankind listened to that commandment and has been doing that ever since to mixed reviews.
Human beings are animals who do not have to wait for a certain season to mate, so we can have intercourse and create children at any time. When not using intercourse for producing children, we use it for fun. Sex is fun and when two people like one another and want to enter into a very personal relationship, they involve themselves in this fun filled activity. But while sex is fun, it has a darker side. First, there are those who will want to have sex with you and not care about a personal relationship even if you want one. To such people, you are an “it.” If you find that you are an "it," learn from your first disappointment with such a person, and become more discerning in your future. Also, remember that old adage about the cow and the farmer which teaches that if your going to give the milk away for free, why should the farmer buy the cow? If you find that you frequently find yourself as being an "it," you may have to talk to someone who can give you some new perspective on the choices of people with whom you are involving yourself.
Some relationships into which you might enter at first will be honest and loving, but if that relationship changes and that you sense that you are being used again as a series of services, as an "it," end that relationship. You were not born to be hurt, used, or abused.
Also, there are something called STD’s or sexually transmitted diseases which can cause you all sorts of embarrassment if you contract one. Pain, life long re-occurrences, and even death can result from an STD. Of course one sure fire way of not contracting one of these diseases is to remain celibate, to avoid having sexual relationships until you marry someone who is also not carrying a disease, and then remain monogamous.
But because we are sexual beings with drives, it is unlikely that you will wait for marriage, so the only thing you must remember is that you must use protection no matter what your partner says. Some sexual diseases kill over time, but the one sexually transmitted disease that can kill quicker than the others is AIDS. The virus that causes it, the HIV virus, is transmitted through semen, vaginal secretions, blood, and milk. They migrate from one host to another through moist membranes. To avoid contacting HIV, always use protection no matter what your partner says. The virus is not transmitted through kissing or touching. When I was married, a blood test to see if you were a carrier of an SDT was required in order to get a marriage license. That was a good idea but it is no longer required, probably because someone in the ACLU thought it was an invasion of privacy and unconstitutional. Stay safe. One last thing about the fun part of sex. When you are of age, and decide to have a sexual relationship, anything that is mutually agreed to by you and your partner is acceptable within the confines of your privacy. But know this. Any coercion, any force, or any abuse is tantamount to rape and absolutely forbidden by sacred law and secular law. How you treat your partner is key to what makes for a loving relationship in a sexual relationship, and not the positions you mutually decide to choose.
On Travel : There is a Spanish proverb that says, "Viejar es vivir,- to travel is to live." Travel is a joy and one of the things one must do in order to become educated and part of the world. Check out the drop down Travel under Biography just to see what a joy it is. That said, I must tell you that travel also has a dangerous down side, and while the new places can be wonderful and exotic, one must always be cautious.
Girls, (and I do mean to scare you with this suggestion) before you travel, you must see a movie called Taken. Guys, (and I do mean to scare you with this suggestion) you must see a movie called Midnight Express. Taken tells the story of two girls on their own in Paris who allow a handsome young man into their cab. This handsome young man is part of a white slavery trade and he informs others where the girls are staying. The girls are abducted, drugged, one is impressed into prostitution, and the other is sold to a wealthy Arab as his newest sex toy.You don't allow strangers to share a cab with you no matter how nice they seem. Midnight Express is about a young man traveling in Turkey who is found with drugs and thrown into a Turkish prison where the brutality he encounters is beyond description.
So I say, by all means travel, but never travel alone, never believe you can bring contraband in or out of any country and not be caught, and never leave your drinks unattended in a bar. Also, do not wear expensive jewelry or anything that will call attention to you. Thieves are everywhere. Don't let your pocketbooks dangle from one shoulder because it can easily be pulled off, and guys, never keep you wallets in your back pocket. I keep mine in my front pocket, and I pin it closed. If someone is going to try to pick my pocket, they have to open the pin first and I'll know they are there. Keep some money and a credit card in a shirt pocket so you won't have to take out you wallet. Thieves often work in pairs, and avoid groups of children coming at you or gathering around you. Some kids work in packs. And never take something from a hotel room as a souvenir. That’s theft, and in certain countries cause enough for you to disappear into a prison and brutalized. Being an American sadly no longer carries the protection it once did. Besides, that’s stealing, and we don’t do that. And don’t forget about sexually transmitted diseases, so if you are inclined, make sure you are protected.
On Driving a Car : There is a physical law in the universe that teaches us that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Whenever one tries to test this law, they find that they have been in what is called, an accident. Accidents are messy and dangerous and to be avoided at all times. To that end, always imagine that other people on the road have no idea of what they are doing and you have to drive defensively to avoid them. To this end, you don't tailgate because the person in front of you may want to make a turn without putting on the turn signals, or even slow down and stop when the light turns yellow. (How crazy is that?!) To avoid hitting them, you need to stay several car lengths behind. When at a merge or when someone needs to get on the road and you are at a light, slow down and allow them to go in front of you. Perhaps they will pass your courtesy on to others. And when people allow you in, always wave. People like to be appreciated for their courtesy. And never imagine that your identity is in any way wrapped up in getting to the next light before someone else does. Always anticipate what is happening on the road by watching the distance, and never change lanes without checking your side view mirrors and quickly glancing over your shoulder. There are blind spots, and it take years before you learn to sense where cars are when you cannot see them. Never drink and drive, and agree to be the designated driver is no one steps up. An never let your friends drive drunk. If they do and they kill themselves or someone else, you'll feel responsible, and to some extent you will be. Saving a life is always more important than being thought of as a "buzz kill." When your friend sobers up, he or she will be grateful, and if they are not, they don't recognize what a good friend you are so find friends who will.
On Religion: "Religion is the human attempt to find a pathway through the difficult barriers of life as well as an effort to push our limited selves into the infinite in order to establish a relationship with our Creator and with the wonders of the universe. Religion is a way of accessing another dimension and a way of seeing how we can expand our vision and environment. Religion is a pathway through the barriers of life: suffering, death, fate, guilt, powerlessness and meaninglessness. Religion teaches us that there are patterns to life, and that the universe is intelligible and that life has purpose." My religion is Judaism, and this is what Judaism does for me. It can do the same for you.
• Judaism attempts to help me find meaning, purpose, and value in life.
• Judaism helps me to find a pathway through the difficult barriers of life.
• Judaism helps me to push my limited self into the infinite in order to establish a relationship with my Creator and with the universe.
• Judaism helps me recognize, accept, honor, and deal with patterns of life.
• Judaism provides me with a God concept so I do not feel existentially alone in the universe.
• Judaism teaches me to hope because it is a religion of hope.
• Judaism provides me with a community who is supportive.
• Judaism helps me come to terms with my personal mortality.
• Judaism helps me to perpetuate our traditions, culture, values, and beliefs.
• Judaism assists me in being good person by teaching me how to live an ethical and spiritual life.
On Knowing About Judaism And Why It Is Of Value To Us: As a Jewish person, you are part of a distinctive group of people who have been trudging through time for about 3500 years. Now that's a very long time. And in this time, we have witnessed the great empires of history rise and fall, yet we continue. I believe that there are two key reasons as to why we have not disappeared as have other religions, minorities, and ethnic groups. The first is that we conceived of a single Eternal and Creative Force in the universe who gave us the responsibility to teach the world that there is an ethical monotheistic Power whose primary demand is that we treat one another decently and justly. We exist to model such behavior. The other reason for us to exist is our obligation to see where the world is fractured and help mend it. This is called Tikkun Olam; a partnership with this Creative Power. We exist because we believe we have a specific mandated purpose on earth dictated by our God. In order to fulfill our mandated, we have organized ourselves into a religion called Judaism, and this religion provides us with a vision of the world and how to live an honorable and fulfilling life day by day.
1. Judaism helps fulfill us through a sense of "Peoplehood" and community.
2. Judaism helps fulfill us through gratitude.
3. Judaism helps fulfill us through a concept of the holy and by helping us inculcate self control.
4. Judaism helps us in our fulfillment by giving us a sense of purpose.
5. Judaism assists us in our fulfillment by providing us with a pathway to the transcendent.
6. Judaism helps to fulfill us by providing us with a balanced and honest view of humanity, of human nature, and of ourselves.
7. Judaism helps fulfill us by providing us with a sense of self worth.
8. Judaism assists us in personal fulfillment by insisting that we focus on this world.
9. Judaism supports our pathway to personal fulfillment by insisting that we use our intellect.
10. Judaism helps us feel fulfilled by inviting us to be filled with moral passion and by cultivating in us a preoccupation with ethics.
11. Judaism teaches us to hope and that the future will be better if we act to make it better.
12. Judaism helps us structure our time in an interesting and meaningful way.
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Some of us have reached our golden years, and some of us have not. But these suggestions should be read by everyone. They have been collected from many a senior, each with his or her own piece of advice. Some you know, some may surprise you, and some will remind you of what's important. So read well, share with your loved ones, and have a great day and a great life!
1. It's time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for an investment, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries and this is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don't feel bad spending your money on yourself. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you're feeling well. Stay informed.
4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
5. Don't stress over the little things. You've already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.
6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: "A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection."
7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don't stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
8. Don't lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There's nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You've developed your own sense of what looks good on you - keep it and be proud of it. It's part of who you are.
9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You'll be surprised which old friends you'll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.
10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday's wisdom that still applies today.
11. Never use the phrase: "In my time". Your time is now. As long as you're alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it'll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you've lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.
14. Don't abandon your hobbies. If you don't have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.
15. Even if you don't feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven't seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don't get upset when you're not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.
16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That's a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don't go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.
17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we're all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.
18. If you've been offended by someone - forgive them. If you've offended someone - apologize. Don't drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn't matter who was right. Someone once said: "Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Don't take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
19. If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don't waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what's not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.
21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They'll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you've achieved. Let them talk and don't worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you've lived so far. There's still much to be written, so get busy writing and don't waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!
AND REMEMBER: "Life is too short to drink bad wine."
Six Little Stories With Great Messages
{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH.
{2} When you throw babies in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them.
That's TRUST.
{3} Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE.
(4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE.
{5} We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.
That's LOVE.
{6} On an old man's shirt was written a sentence
'I am not 78 years old; I am sweet 16 with 62 years of experience.'
That's ATTITUDE.
Have a happy day and live your life like the six stories.
"GOOD FRIENDS ARE THE RARE JEWELS OF LIFE...
DIFFICULT TO FIND AND IMPOSSIBLE TO REPLACE! FRIENDS ARE THE FAMILY YOU CHOOSE.
An open letter to my grandchildren, to my nieces, nephews, cousins, and to my former students even though you are not mentioned by name. While the letter is directed only to my grandchildren, you are certainly welcome to read it. Everything that follows the letter is for all of you.
Dear Adam, Jacob, Brandon, Rachel, Jamie, Hannah, Emily, Ryan, and Jacqueline,
It was a foolish fantasy that we would all live close by and I would see all of you weekly. I imagined you dropping in for cookies and milk on your way home from school, or sometimes just coming over to hang out and help me in the garden. Sometimes I imagined you coming over for help with homework or a project, and sometimes just coming over to get an old man's perspective on something that was important to you. I fancy myself knowing a few things, and I am always very willing to share what I've learned with those whom I love. And since I probability won't be asked, I've decided to share my thoughts with you anyway because I think my advice is of value.
You've probably all seen Toy Story 3, and if you haven't, I urge you to do so. It's really an entertaining film that says a good deal about what I and some other people of my generation are thinking and feeling when it comes to getting old. Here are toys that are still perfectly good, stilled loved, but have been "out grown" by their owner. They're still good toys, but what do you do with good things that are old and out of date? Some elderly people feel very much the same way those toys felt when it comes to our children and grandchildren. Some parents feel that too when their children start to become independent. But for as long as we live, parents and grandparents do not see ourselves as obsolete, nor do we think that what we have to offer is no longer of value. Some people may argue that the experience of an old man or old woman has no bearing on this modern generation, but such people don't understand what those of us in my generation have to offer. Grandparents are the repository for family history, personal experiences during a particular period of time, culture, religious traditions, and ideas that we think are still of value. We also carry with us values that may or may not be valued in a technical society, but the values taught at home and synagogue, may ultimately be more important to being a happy person than what the greater society values. So firmly believing that we continue to be of value, we are eager to share our lives with you even if you don't have the time to sit and listen because of your busy lives and the distance between us.
So now, this Grandpa Zeydeh and teacher is offering unsolicited opinions and advice because of his abiding affection for you, and his need to somehow feel that you will be safer considering my words. You can read this at your leisure as you grow older. Again, these are some of the things I would have wanted to teach you or say to you over the years you’ve been growing up and in the years that are to follow that I will never have the opportunity to say, I will say to you here. As you mature, you will hopefully find these comments useful.
Knowledge and wisdom should be cumulative and passed on. In this way you wouldn’t have to waste time in relearning things on your own that you might have learned from me. Of course, I have lived long enough to know that children don't often listen to parents and grandparents, and I have no illusions that you will listen to what I have to say. Hopefully, something might stick. Some of these ideas you may not need for years, but I might not be here to offer them when you need them. This will be an ongoing effort for as long as I am ongoing. So here goes.
All My Love,
Grandpa Zeydeh
On Behavior: You're all smart, and I do believe you are all happy thanks to your parents. But if I had to rank smart and happy I would make those second and third under the idea of being “good.” Being a good person, a decent person is very important. Rabbi Hillel was once asked to stand on one foot and summarize the Torah. He did this and said, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to another.” Memorize this statement. It will keep you good. Also, know that the only people who care about how you feel about yourself are your parents, your grandparents, and if you're lucky, some of your teachers. Everyone else in the world cares only about how you behave and if you're "good." And in the business world, bosses don't care about your "self concept," but they do care about how you behave and what you produce to improve the bottom line.
• On Becoming A Good Person: Just because someone is smart or rich, it doesn’t mean he or she is good or nice for that matter. Being good means that you treat people fairly, respectfully, honestly, and justly. How one person treats another person has nothing to do with money or high academic degrees. You are all expected to go to college, but having a diploma will not make you a decent person. And if you become financially successful and I hope you will, your money will not make you nice either. Some terrible things throughout history have been done by smart people with diplomas and money.
In our family, decency comes from acting on a series of values that have come down to us via the Torah. Somewhere along the line, the decent values and ensuing behaviors requested of us in the Torah became separated from the law and now we know only the behaviors. One of the major goals of our people is to make the world a better place, but making the world a better place has nothing to do with you being happy. It has to do with you being good and acting righteously. Some of the greatest people who ever made life better for others were poor and without degrees. And some were rich with degrees. Credentials and wealth have nothing to do with goodness or happiness.
• On Being Interesting: Being interesting is not like being smart. You can be very smart and bore people to tears. To be interesting, you need to have something important to say that can move a conversation forward. Therefore, avoid asking yes or no questions, and when you speak to people, make eye contact. In this way you will be saying to them that you really think they are important and they will not suspect you of hiding something or being timid. Make people feel important through your attention to them and the questions you ask them. Do not make the conversations about you unless you are in therapy and paying someone to listen to you. One may be viewed as interesting by having something to say beyond a one sentence response to a question, and by raising issues or topics of interest. One may be viewed as interesting by seeing beyond what is obvious and making connections that others might not see. One may be viewed as interesting by offering new perceptions. Use your education to make connections among seemingly disparate things and events and share these to generate conversations.
• On First Impressions: When you meet someone for the first time, shake their hand with some degree of earnestness. The handshake in our society is part of the first impression we make, and a weak handshake from a man may be interpreted as indicative of his interest in seeing you, his masculinity, and his personality. Never let your handshake be like a warm, wet dishtowel, and don't let it be so strong that you hurt someone. Exert a sincere pressure. And greet all people with a smile even if you don't like them. Also, dress appropriately. I don't care if you prefer a tee shirt and jeans because they are comfortable, but when you go out for a real job interview, wear something that will give the impression that you are respectful of the company to which you are applying and to the person to whom you are speaking. Guys, in your closet always have a dark suit, a white shirt with French cuffs, and a conservative tie. Also have a blue blazer and gray slacks for less formal occasions. And always remember that things in good taste never go out of style. Girls, the same thing about what is appropriate in dress goes for you, too. And while I implore all of you not to get a tattoo or piercings, if you do, don't make these conspicuous at the interview. Also, piercings may not make a good impression, especially if they are on your face and if the interviewer is over fifty. Sadly, you must come to learn that you cannot be who you are at all times, and while your parents and grandparents may accept you for who you are, the world may not. You will have to learn to deal with certain realities in this world and learn to play the games that are played if you are in competition with others like you. Of course, you can go for the interview in jeans, a tee, and piercings, because that's who you are and you feel the world has to accept you on your terms. But from this old man's perspective, don't be surprised if someone else gets the job. People don't have to accept you just the way you are unless you have something or some talent they really want. They just might insist on their standards, not yours. Deal with it.
• On Keeping Schedules: Time management is a very important skill to develop in order to be successful in school and in life. Falling behind in your schedule can make you fall behind in your obligations and responsibilities. Procrastination may seem more desirable than meaningful activity, but it will always bite you in the butt when something is due and you haven’t done it. Keep on schedule and on focus. Managing your time well will help you be a success.
• On Worry: Worrying is a gigantic waste of time. Never in all of recorded history has the future ever been change by worrying about it. So to avoid this time waster, know what needs to be done, and spend your time preparing for it. Put in time studying for that test, rehearsing that speech, or practicing for that interview. Worrying is not a comfort, but knowing that you’ve done all you can to be successful, is. And before any of these potentially “worrisome” events, get a good night’s sleep and eat a good breakfast.
• On Feeling Guilty: From time to time you will do and say dumb things that you will immediately regret doing and saying. This cannot be avoided because you are not perfect and sometimes emotions cannot be controlled. So apologizing to someone you have wronged or insulted is the first thing you must do. But sometimes, the emotion we refer to as "guilt" will take over and we continue to feel badly because of what we’ve said or done even if we’ve said that we are sorry. Guilt, like worry is a waste of time and takes away from the here and now. It’s a lousy feeling, and the only way to avoid it after the initial apology, is to resolve never to do or say that again to this person or to anyone else. Once you know that this will never happen again, you can let the bad guilt feeling go. And the best way to forgive yourself is when you are aware that the opportunity to do or say the same dumb or hurtful thing has presented itself again, and you did not act on the inclination to hurt.
On Being Grateful: When you consider all the young people there are in the world, how they live, and the opportunities they have, you must realize that you are among a very small minority of people who are fortunate enough to live in America, live in a beautiful home, have parents who love and support you, grandparents who adore you, and unbounded opportunities to make your lives golden. Therefore, it is important that you understand the benefits of being grateful. Being grateful is being appreciative for what you have and not taking anything for granted believing that you are entitled to it. The Jewish religion inculcates gratitude by beginning each blessing by giving thanks for what you are about to eat, see, or do. In Judaism, we are asked to be grateful for what we have. Ungrateful people are not happy people. You are lucky to have what you have, but all that you have was given to you, and you must be grateful to those who provide the good life you have. Periodically, even though they annoy you from time to time, let your parents know that you appreciate what they have done for you. Cards, phone calls, the occasional kiss, an unsolicited hug, and a periodic out of the blue “I love you” are easy ways of showing your gratitude.” That also goes for grandparents. Also, don't forget to give some thanks to that creative Power in the universe who holds it all together even if you have no concept as to the nature of that Power.
• On Friends Asking You To Do Stupid Things: At one point in your lives, your friends and their opinions of you will become very important. But sometimes friends are stupid and do stupid, dangerous, and cruel things. You may feel you want to go along just to feel you belong, but when ever you are being asked by your friends to do something stupid, dangerous, or cruel, think of the law in the Torah that says, “You shall not follow a crowd to do evil.” If that’s not enough for you, think of grandma, your parents, and me whispering in your ear, “Don’t you dare.” If that doesn’t stop you, recognize that whatever trouble you cause or pain you inflict will be on you, and the consequences that follow from your behavior may be more difficult to bear than the rejection, ridicule, or fun your friends will make of you if you choose not to participate in their antics. Remember that all Adam and Eve did was take a bite of the apple, but the consequences were enormous. One can never be certain of the consequences, so always consider them before acting. Also, remember that the friends you have in middle, and high school will probably not be the friends you will have in college. And the friends you will have in college may or may not be the ones you will keep as you mature into adulthood. Choose your friends wisely at every moment in your life, and make sure that the top criteria for making a friend is that he or she is a nice human being and does not invite you to do things that will get you in trouble, get you in jail, or get you dead.
• On Why We Exist: We as the Jewish people know exactly why we are on earth. Modeling correct behavior because the Torah and Talmud say we must is the first reason. The second reason we are on this earth is to make it a better place. The concept is Kabalistic and is called Tikun Olam. So how do you make the world a better place? The Torah teaches that “the poor shall never depart from the land,” so one way is to be generous with your money and contribute to those organizations that make the lives of the poor better. Another way is to get involved with organizations that advocate for improving such things as the environment, education, social justice, minority rights, and freedom. And while your at it, you also have obligations to Jewish organizations that defend and help our people and support the State of Israel.
• On Dangerous People: From time to time you are going to encounter people who are emotional black holes that cannot be filled. You’ll know them because when they walk into a room, they suck out all the air and demand that they become the center of attention and everyone should focus on making their life better. Do not imagine or even try to make this person’s life better because you cannot, and if you think you can, they will drain you and make you miserable. You have a right not to be made miserable. So if you are going to become a rescuer of people with broken wings and broken lives, and you don't have a clue as to what you are doing, you will end up becoming a victim. You can try to save a drowning person, but if you don't know how to swim, you will drown with them. It is not incumbent upon you to fix another person’s life unless you are a paid therapist, and even they know that the broken person can only fix themselves. You do, though, have an obligation to help fix the people you love if their lives become broken even if it is just listening or driving them to a therapist.
• On Getting A Vision: You’ve got to get yourself a vision of what you want your life to be like. That will give you your goal and enable you to “keep your eyes on the prize.” Certainly, if you like the life style in which you have been raised and that becomes the minimum you want for yourselves, you will need a plan to get you where you ultimately want to be. Unless you are seriously talented so as people will pay to see you perform, or you invent the next big “thing” that everyone must have, you will have to go to college and probably beyond. This should be no surprise because it is expected that you will go to college and beyond. Your parents did, and children should equal or exceed their parents if humanity is to keep developing. And if your vision involves a spouse, you are going to have to consider what your mate will bring to the union as he or she will be considering what will you be bringing to the union. That sounds terribly unromantic I know. Romance, love, and passion are important in a relationship, but if children are to be born out of the romance, love and the passion, they have to be well cared for and educated. Care takes responsibility, compassion, and money.
On Finding A Mate: In the animal world, males display and battle for the females and females will mate with the male who demonstrates the brightest feathers or the male who dominates the other males through prowess or cunning. The females instinctively conclude that the offspring with such a mate will be strong survivors and life will continue. In many ways, people are the same. Human beings display through personality, earning potential, wit, talent, education, cars, money, clothing, physical beauty, and physical fitness to hint at their potential status now or in the future. But there are also qualities such as integrity, faithfulness, honesty etc. that are also very important qualities to offer, and these intangibles might be the deciding factor. A suitable mate, one that will be an asset to fulfilling your vision of what you want life to be like and keeping the offspring safe, well housed, well fed, and well nurtured, must be factored in if these goals are to be achieved. I know it sounds utilitarian and unemotional, but at our core, we are still part of the animal kingdom. Know what you offer, and be proud of whatever it happens to be. And if you are not proud, strive to make it better.
Beyond the physical attraction that you might feel for someone, and I’m not selling physical attraction short, is the core person inside. The physical might fade with time, while the core qualities that you admire or even revere in this person at the beginning of the relationship may remain and be the firm foundation upon which that relationship and love may blossom. Trouble enters all relationships, but if there is a core that you love and respect, you will always have a starting point to which you can return in times of serious trouble (if things don't get messed up too badly). In this way you can go back to your beginnings and rediscover what caused you to love one another in the first place. For me, some core qualities are: a sincere affection for the person I wed, a respect for what this person does, a respect for who that person is at her core, and the knowledge that this person will be honest with me and have my interests at heart. These are think the technology offered anonymity? Didn’t he know that once it’s out there, it can’t be erased and that everything can be traced back? Did he want to be exposed because of some deep seated issue he has with himself that demanded he be excoriated publicly so as to be exonerated for some secret failing? Or was it just a stupid, thoughtless, egotistical macho idea of self promotion where he actually believed that what he had should be shared? And of course, he initially lied, believing that his personae was so well established that no one would doubt him. It was more the lying that did him in than the stupidity. If you lie, than everything you've said in the past is called into question because you are now thought of as a liar. Well he was wrong. Know this. Somebody is always out there to get you and bring you down, especially if you are in the public eye or on your way up the ladder. I’m not being paranoid. You may not even know them, but they are the self appointed arbiters of good taste, people who don’t like you for a variety of reasons, or just people who like to gossip.
Modesty is a value that seems now to be held mostly by very pious people in our society of all faiths, and the elderly hold overs from an earlier generation where you didn’t have to be religious to believe that your body was a private matter. It is based on the idea that there is such a thing as privacy of body and behavior. If people the people who have been held up for ridicule for their sexual escapades had any inkling of the concept of modesty, a bell would have gone off in their heads telling them that what they were about to do was not appropriate behavior. Standards are set higher for public figures than for others.
So remember, if you’re going to show your “junk” to someone, make sure that that person is interested in seeing it, has given you permission to show it, and for the love of God, do it in private, and do not put it on the internet or tweet it as a point of pride.
In Dealing with Old People: If you live a long life and I hope you do, you are going to become old. I'm sure you know old people now. O The first of many things I want you to know is that old people tend to forget what stories they've told you, and will often repeat the same story at different times and in a different conversation. Listen and nod as if you've heard it for the first time. There is no profit in reminding the elderly that they are losing their memories. The second thing is that sometimes, when an older person stands up, he or she fart. This is an involuntary action and a source of embarrassment. They may pretend it didn't happen, but they know. Pointing it out or laughing hysterically as you might want to do will be a further embarrassment. In all probability, this old person is someone you love, so where is the profit of further embarrassing them? And to really sober you up to the situation, remember that one day you will be old and you will be forgetful about the stories you've told, and you will fart when getting off a chair.
On Keeping a Relationship Going: If we are to be really honest with ourselves, a woman should know that a guy basically wants to be fed, slept with, left alone, not ridiculed, and given control of the remote. That will make him happy. And a guy needs to know that a woman wants to feel protected, listened to, understood, talked to, held, cuddled with, given unsolicited gifts, helped with the drudgery of child rearing, appreciated for what she does, and someone hired to clean the house or apartment. As you can see, guys have fewer needs. We are very different, and to be honest, it's up to the guys do most of the reaching out to keep the relationship going because guys have a longer road to travel in their development of awareness of other people's needs. Oblivion may be genetic. So guys need to consciously become aware of the last time a compliment was given, the last time a conversation was initiated that was intimate, last time you were so thoughtful you brought tears or laughter to her eyes, and other such things. If not, you will be eventually told "we have to talk" and know that in that conversation, all your failings will be noted. Now you know that accusations of inadequacy do not generate a man's favorite feelings, so you have to be on top of this all the time. Also, never buy a gift for her that you really want for yourself, and never buy her a gift with a plug attached unless she asks for it specifically. You also don't want to buy her something that will disappoint her so the best thing to do is to ask because your taste might suck and she'll only have to return it. Better to be cautious than disappointed even if you cut down on the surprise. It is always the thought that you wanted to please her that comes through. If she's disappointed that you couldn't guess what was magically going on in her head as to what she wanted, she has other problems working there and such unreasonable expectations need to be discussed as one of her criteria for love. That's when you initiate the "We have to talk" conversation. Yes, guys have the right to say that, too. None of us are perfect.
• On Fighting The Darkness: From time to time, as your life moves along, you will encounter darkness. No one escapes from the pain that we sometimes cause ourselves or is caused to us by others. There is also the pain that comes upon us through sickness and the death of a loved one. But know several things:
1.- You must never submit to the sadness or depression that comes with the pain; get professional help if it gets to be overwhelming and share your thoughts and feelings with a friend or relative. Sharing lifts the burden. Let them share their pain and story with you. Everyone has pain and a story to tell. They listen and you listen. Both of you will feel better for it.
2.- When things go wrong and you think you can’t handle it, you must never find solace in drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, or abuse to others or yourself. You get yourself professional help and talk to friends and family. You must never imagine that you are alone. You are never alone. Reach out. If I am still around, I will grab you.
3.- You must never attempt to take your life. Since Ayn Sof and evolution began to create human beings, there has never been one just like you and there never will be. You are totally unique and you do not have permission to end that uniqueness because you imagine that things are so bad, they cannot be better. Take it from me, things do get better despite any seemingly overwhelming problem you currently think you have. And sometimes,"the grass really is greener in the other fellows yard." It's OK to change yards for greener grass rather than to be buried under it. Besides, a week after you commit suicide, you'll be sorry you did.
4.- And never, never think your world has ended because you’ve been dumped. The heart is a very resilient organ and it heals with time. Cry for as long as you need to cry, wash your face, give your heart a chance to heal, and get out and begin again. It's a process we all go through to find the right one. Always give yourself another chance, and never give up on yourself. There are lots of wonderful people in the world and you can fall in love with any number of them and make it work. There are old adage about relationships from when I was growing up: "Relationships are like buses. If you miss one, there will be another along in a few minutes," and "If you give the milk away for free, why would the farmer buy the cow?" I think in all of recorded history, there is only one person they believed died of a broken heart, and that was Lord Wellington's mistress in the 18th Century. Also, never think that someone is unapproachable because of how they look. Beautiful people are not immune from being insecure about themselves. They may be just waiting for someone like you to approach. Besides, the worse that can happen is to say that they are not interested. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
5.- You are never alone. You have your parents, your grand parents, your friends, and Ayn Sof to support you. The best prayer to Ayn Sof in bad situations is: “Strengthen me get through this!” That prayer has always been answered for me. For as long as we are around, parents and grandparents will be here to support and love you. We may not always agree with you, and we are here for you. Don’t forget that. We are always a phone call away. And while I'm at it, again I will say that you never have permission to do yourself harm, to get yourself arrested, or to get you dead.
6.- There is always light at the end of whatever tunnel in which you might find yourself. Never lose hope.
On Judging Ourselves: We live in a very materialistic world and many times a person’s value is measured in what they have as opposed to who they are. So while I urge you to go for the life that will give you gratification in your work, travel, nice clothes, and all the good “stuff” and “toys” you can afford, I also urge you not to see your value or worth as a person through the things you own. Good jobs can be lost in a bad economy, and hard times can come upon the nicest of people. If you get put into what I call “the hopper” and there is stress, the stress needs to be kept separate from you as a person. If you become the stress, you will overwhelm yourself and not think clearly and get depressed. You are not your job, you are not your home, you are not your “stuff” or your “toys.” While these might be extensions of you that tell the world your status, they are not you. In this way, if it all falls apart, and we are not guaranteed that it won't, you'll be sad, and you won’t fall apart.
On Buying On Credit: If you have the money that will allow you to pay off your credit card balance at the end of the month when the bill comes due, by all means use the card as a convenience. But if you are going to carry a balance that you can't pay off, be aware that your carrying charges will add up over the years and you can get into serious trouble with your credit rating if you default on your payments. Houses and cars are different. But if you budget effectively and you have patience, you will be able to save for what you want, buy it for cash, and sleep soundly at night.
On Self Concept: There are people who are currently in your life and those who will enter your life to whom you may ascribe the power to tell you who you are and what you deserve. This ascribing of power is a magical thing and it is done out side your conscious awareness. We do this to win the love and affection from those significant people in our lives. One major human hunger is the hunger for approval and recognition. The people who gave us birth and who sustained us are the first people to whom we ascribe power. Perhaps our infantile brains think that if we can please them, they’ll keep us alive. Such people tell us who we are and treat us in a particular way. Based on those verbal and non verbal messages, we behave accordingly so they will approve. Sometimes the messages are loving and sometimes the messages are abusive. Our early self-concepts come from these messages. As we grow older, other people become important such as friends, teachers, boy friends, girl friends, husbands, wives, community and religious leaders etc. Sometimes, we let such people into our lives because they reinforce the messages that came to us early from our early caretakers. If we had good messages about who we are and what we should expect, we let in good people who will be good to you. But if the messages you absorbed about yourself told you that you were bad and deserved abuse, you might allow bad and abusive people in to reinforce the negative things you think about yourself. In short, if and when you meet people who are mean and abusive to you, seriously consider how you are being made to feel about yourself. If these people engender negative feelings in you, don’t let them into your lives. Walk away fast. If they happen to be people who have to be in your lives such as teachers, consciously deprive them of any power to tell you who you are as a person, and if they say mean things to you, discount what they say. Of course, a teachers criticism may not be an attack on your person, but on what you might have submitted so keep your person separated from the criticism. And that also goes for friends. There are some people in this world who feel they need to put someone down in order to build themselves up. There are also people in this world who are happy when you mess up. There is a German word that describes such people, but I forget what it is. (Frudenchase?) Also, avoid these people. And when choosing a spouse, please consider what I’ve just said. You do not need spouses who will regularly hurt your feelings, unless your acting like a jerk and deserve it.
• On Avoiding Bad Relationships: Each person brings to any relationship his or her behavior and personality. There are fundamental rules for avoiding troubled relationships, the major ones being that at the first hint of physical or emotional abuse, you end the relationship. You were not put on this earth to be abused by anyone. Abuse aside, another fundamental rule is that you are not made to feel like an “it,” a person who is expected to supply goods and services. You were not put on this earth for someone to take advantage of you. Also, a person who is exceptionally needy, depressed, angry, etc., is also someone with whom you should not get involved because they will drain you of energy and spirit. If you do recognize such behaviors in a special person, I urge you to walk away and not to go back. Such people, despite their protestations that they will change, may not be able to change. Now if you exhibit any of the above symptoms and meet someone with similar proclivities, recognize that this relationship cannot work, and since the only thing in life we fully control are our responses to the world, I urge you to respond by getting help so you can better deal with your own problems that lead to such behaviors. You don’t have to take on someone else’s problems. Believe me, as you go through life you will have enough of your own.
• On What It Takes To Begin A Good Relationship : Having a good relationship begins with what you bring to it. If you are basically a happy person with a positive outlook greeting all people with a smile, you stand a good chance of having a good relationship with people. If you basically have a positive self-concept and present yourself confidently, a strong sense of what is to be valued, and an open mind, you stand a good chance of meeting like minded people. Chemistry is involved in romantic relationships, and I don’t presume to know much about that, but I do know that anyone can fall in love with any number of people. I don’t believe that there is that one perfect soul mate out there waiting for you to find them. Certainly, you can look. So if you are looking for a romantic involvement, make eye contact, make yourself attractive, be personable, make easy conversation, avoid drama, don't share your entire life story on the first date, don’t smoke, don’t drink to excess, and don't make it all about you. Maybe you'll get lucky.
• Serious Business Regarding Sexual Relationships: Reproduction is the only one of the five life functions that is not needed for one to continue living. After commanding Adam and Eve not to eat the apple and they immediately broke that commandment, He told them “to go forth and multiply” and mankind listened to that commandment and has been doing that ever since to mixed reviews.
Human beings are animals who do not have to wait for a certain season to mate, so we can have intercourse and create children at any time. When not using intercourse for producing children, we use it for fun. Sex is fun and when two people like one another and want to enter into a very personal relationship, they involve themselves in this fun filled activity. But while sex is fun, it has a darker side. First, there are those who will want to have sex with you and not care about a personal relationship even if you want one. To such people, you are an “it.” If you find that you are an "it," learn from your first disappointment with such a person, and become more discerning in your future. Also, remember that old adage about the cow and the farmer which teaches that if your going to give the milk away for free, why should the farmer buy the cow? If you find that you frequently find yourself as being an "it," you may have to talk to someone who can give you some new perspective on the choices of people with whom you are involving yourself.
Some relationships into which you might enter at first will be honest and loving, but if that relationship changes and that you sense that you are being used again as a series of services, as an "it," end that relationship. You were not born to be hurt, used, or abused.
Also, there are something called STD’s or sexually transmitted diseases which can cause you all sorts of embarrassment if you contract one. Pain, life long re-occurrences, and even death can result from an STD. Of course one sure fire way of not contracting one of these diseases is to remain celibate, to avoid having sexual relationships until you marry someone who is also not carrying a disease, and then remain monogamous.
But because we are sexual beings with drives, it is unlikely that you will wait for marriage, so the only thing you must remember is that you must use protection no matter what your partner says. Some sexual diseases kill over time, but the one sexually transmitted disease that can kill quicker than the others is AIDS. The virus that causes it, the HIV virus, is transmitted through semen, vaginal secretions, blood, and milk. They migrate from one host to another through moist membranes. To avoid contacting HIV, always use protection no matter what your partner says. The virus is not transmitted through kissing or touching. When I was married, a blood test to see if you were a carrier of an SDT was required in order to get a marriage license. That was a good idea but it is no longer required, probably because someone in the ACLU thought it was an invasion of privacy and unconstitutional. Stay safe. One last thing about the fun part of sex. When you are of age, and decide to have a sexual relationship, anything that is mutually agreed to by you and your partner is acceptable within the confines of your privacy. But know this. Any coercion, any force, or any abuse is tantamount to rape and absolutely forbidden by sacred law and secular law. How you treat your partner is key to what makes for a loving relationship in a sexual relationship, and not the positions you mutually decide to choose.
On Travel : There is a Spanish proverb that says, "Viejar es vivir,- to travel is to live." Travel is a joy and one of the things one must do in order to become educated and part of the world. Check out the drop down Travel under Biography just to see what a joy it is. That said, I must tell you that travel also has a dangerous down side, and while the new places can be wonderful and exotic, one must always be cautious.
Girls, (and I do mean to scare you with this suggestion) before you travel, you must see a movie called Taken. Guys, (and I do mean to scare you with this suggestion) you must see a movie called Midnight Express. Taken tells the story of two girls on their own in Paris who allow a handsome young man into their cab. This handsome young man is part of a white slavery trade and he informs others where the girls are staying. The girls are abducted, drugged, one is impressed into prostitution, and the other is sold to a wealthy Arab as his newest sex toy.You don't allow strangers to share a cab with you no matter how nice they seem. Midnight Express is about a young man traveling in Turkey who is found with drugs and thrown into a Turkish prison where the brutality he encounters is beyond description.
So I say, by all means travel, but never travel alone, never believe you can bring contraband in or out of any country and not be caught, and never leave your drinks unattended in a bar. Also, do not wear expensive jewelry or anything that will call attention to you. Thieves are everywhere. Don't let your pocketbooks dangle from one shoulder because it can easily be pulled off, and guys, never keep you wallets in your back pocket. I keep mine in my front pocket, and I pin it closed. If someone is going to try to pick my pocket, they have to open the pin first and I'll know they are there. Keep some money and a credit card in a shirt pocket so you won't have to take out you wallet. Thieves often work in pairs, and avoid groups of children coming at you or gathering around you. Some kids work in packs. And never take something from a hotel room as a souvenir. That’s theft, and in certain countries cause enough for you to disappear into a prison and brutalized. Being an American sadly no longer carries the protection it once did. Besides, that’s stealing, and we don’t do that. And don’t forget about sexually transmitted diseases, so if you are inclined, make sure you are protected.
On Driving a Car : There is a physical law in the universe that teaches us that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Whenever one tries to test this law, they find that they have been in what is called, an accident. Accidents are messy and dangerous and to be avoided at all times. To that end, always imagine that other people on the road have no idea of what they are doing and you have to drive defensively to avoid them. To this end, you don't tailgate because the person in front of you may want to make a turn without putting on the turn signals, or even slow down and stop when the light turns yellow. (How crazy is that?!) To avoid hitting them, you need to stay several car lengths behind. When at a merge or when someone needs to get on the road and you are at a light, slow down and allow them to go in front of you. Perhaps they will pass your courtesy on to others. And when people allow you in, always wave. People like to be appreciated for their courtesy. And never imagine that your identity is in any way wrapped up in getting to the next light before someone else does. Always anticipate what is happening on the road by watching the distance, and never change lanes without checking your side view mirrors and quickly glancing over your shoulder. There are blind spots, and it take years before you learn to sense where cars are when you cannot see them. Never drink and drive, and agree to be the designated driver is no one steps up. An never let your friends drive drunk. If they do and they kill themselves or someone else, you'll feel responsible, and to some extent you will be. Saving a life is always more important than being thought of as a "buzz kill." When your friend sobers up, he or she will be grateful, and if they are not, they don't recognize what a good friend you are so find friends who will.
On Religion: "Religion is the human attempt to find a pathway through the difficult barriers of life as well as an effort to push our limited selves into the infinite in order to establish a relationship with our Creator and with the wonders of the universe. Religion is a way of accessing another dimension and a way of seeing how we can expand our vision and environment. Religion is a pathway through the barriers of life: suffering, death, fate, guilt, powerlessness and meaninglessness. Religion teaches us that there are patterns to life, and that the universe is intelligible and that life has purpose." My religion is Judaism, and this is what Judaism does for me. It can do the same for you.
• Judaism attempts to help me find meaning, purpose, and value in life.
• Judaism helps me to find a pathway through the difficult barriers of life.
• Judaism helps me to push my limited self into the infinite in order to establish a relationship with my Creator and with the universe.
• Judaism helps me recognize, accept, honor, and deal with patterns of life.
• Judaism provides me with a God concept so I do not feel existentially alone in the universe.
• Judaism teaches me to hope because it is a religion of hope.
• Judaism provides me with a community who is supportive.
• Judaism helps me come to terms with my personal mortality.
• Judaism helps me to perpetuate our traditions, culture, values, and beliefs.
• Judaism assists me in being good person by teaching me how to live an ethical and spiritual life.
On Knowing About Judaism And Why It Is Of Value To Us: As a Jewish person, you are part of a distinctive group of people who have been trudging through time for about 3500 years. Now that's a very long time. And in this time, we have witnessed the great empires of history rise and fall, yet we continue. I believe that there are two key reasons as to why we have not disappeared as have other religions, minorities, and ethnic groups. The first is that we conceived of a single Eternal and Creative Force in the universe who gave us the responsibility to teach the world that there is an ethical monotheistic Power whose primary demand is that we treat one another decently and justly. We exist to model such behavior. The other reason for us to exist is our obligation to see where the world is fractured and help mend it. This is called Tikkun Olam; a partnership with this Creative Power. We exist because we believe we have a specific mandated purpose on earth dictated by our God. In order to fulfill our mandated, we have organized ourselves into a religion called Judaism, and this religion provides us with a vision of the world and how to live an honorable and fulfilling life day by day.
1. Judaism helps fulfill us through a sense of "Peoplehood" and community.
2. Judaism helps fulfill us through gratitude.
3. Judaism helps fulfill us through a concept of the holy and by helping us inculcate self control.
4. Judaism helps us in our fulfillment by giving us a sense of purpose.
5. Judaism assists us in our fulfillment by providing us with a pathway to the transcendent.
6. Judaism helps to fulfill us by providing us with a balanced and honest view of humanity, of human nature, and of ourselves.
7. Judaism helps fulfill us by providing us with a sense of self worth.
8. Judaism assists us in personal fulfillment by insisting that we focus on this world.
9. Judaism supports our pathway to personal fulfillment by insisting that we use our intellect.
10. Judaism helps us feel fulfilled by inviting us to be filled with moral passion and by cultivating in us a preoccupation with ethics.
11. Judaism teaches us to hope and that the future will be better if we act to make it better.
12. Judaism helps us structure our time in an interesting and meaningful way.
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Some of us have reached our golden years, and some of us have not. But these suggestions should be read by everyone. They have been collected from many a senior, each with his or her own piece of advice. Some you know, some may surprise you, and some will remind you of what's important. So read well, share with your loved ones, and have a great day and a great life!
1. It's time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for an investment, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries and this is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
2. Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don't feel bad spending your money on yourself. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you're feeling well. Stay informed.
4. Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
5. Don't stress over the little things. You've already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.
6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: "A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection."
7. Be proud, both inside and out. Don't stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
8. Don't lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There's nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You've developed your own sense of what looks good on you - keep it and be proud of it. It's part of who you are.
9. ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You'll be surprised which old friends you'll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.
10. Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday's wisdom that still applies today.
11. Never use the phrase: "In my time". Your time is now. As long as you're alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it'll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
13. Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you've lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.
14. Don't abandon your hobbies. If you don't have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.
15. Even if you don't feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven't seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don't get upset when you're not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.
16. Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That's a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don't go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.
17. Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we're all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.
18. If you've been offended by someone - forgive them. If you've offended someone - apologize. Don't drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn't matter who was right. Someone once said: "Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Don't take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
19. If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don't waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
20. Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what's not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.
21. Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They'll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you've achieved. Let them talk and don't worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you've lived so far. There's still much to be written, so get busy writing and don't waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!
AND REMEMBER: "Life is too short to drink bad wine."
Six Little Stories With Great Messages
{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH.
{2} When you throw babies in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them.
That's TRUST.
{3} Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE.
(4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE.
{5} We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.
That's LOVE.
{6} On an old man's shirt was written a sentence
'I am not 78 years old; I am sweet 16 with 62 years of experience.'
That's ATTITUDE.
Have a happy day and live your life like the six stories.
"GOOD FRIENDS ARE THE RARE JEWELS OF LIFE...
DIFFICULT TO FIND AND IMPOSSIBLE TO REPLACE! FRIENDS ARE THE FAMILY YOU CHOOSE.